What Are Hard Limits?
Hard limits are boundaries that are absolutely non-negotiable and should never be explored or pushed in any way. These are things you absolutely do not want to do, no matter the reason. When establishing a D/s (Dominance/submission) relationship, it’s essential to carefully consider what these limits might be and to think outside the box to cover a wide range of boundaries. Common items that often appear on people's hard limits list include:
- No bestiality
- No drug use or illegal substances
- No pedophilia
- No being forced to do anything illegal
While many of these points might seem obvious or extreme, it’s still important to explicitly state them. Don’t assume that just because you would never want to (or even consider) doing something, others will feel the same. You want to be able to share your core principles and beliefs with others, especially since you might be giving them significant control over your life. Here are some additional items on my hard limits list:
- No scat (feces play)
- No hair cutting
- Nothing involving the eyes (no requests for me to wear contact lenses)
- No forced feeding or food denial
- No permanent markings or scarring without prior discussion
- No face slapping
It’s worth noting that this list has changed over the years. You are completely allowed to change your list — this means adding and removing things as you see fit. Everyone evolves and discovers new things, and that’s one of the joys of kinky relationships — you get to find out what excites you. For example, when I first started, my list said “no permanent markings,” but over time, I wanted tattoos and branding, so my list adapted to include those as “things we will talk about.” Similarly, face slapping wasn’t on my hard limits list initially, but after experiencing it, I realized how much I disliked it, so it got added.
What Are Soft Limits?
Soft limits are things you’re unsure about, and their meaning can vary from person to person. Generally, they are things you’ve never done but might be interested in, or things you’ve done but aren’t sure if you liked. Soft limits can also be things you’re less enthusiastic about but might do if someone pushes you or if it's to please a partner. For me, an example is licking feet. It’s not something I enjoy or particularly want to do, but if it’s something my partner really likes, then I might do it.
Soft limits are more fluid than hard limits and can change as you gain more experience. Initially, my list of soft limits included things like needle play, cutting, and blood play. This was because I didn’t know if they would excite me, but as I gained more experience and we explored these boundaries, I found that they really did turn me on, and they’ve now become a part of my kink.
Similarly, you might find some things that don’t suit you at all and might even move some items from your soft limits list to your hard limits list. For me, face slapping is an example of this.
Not knowing if you like something is a perfectly valid stance for any kink, and for me, those things primarily show up on my soft limits list. It’s not because I don’t want to try them, but because I have no knowledge about them, I’m willing to explore them slowly, but they’re not things I want to start with.
Exploring Your BDSM Boundaries
Hard limits are not meant to be broken or pushed. Anyone who disrespects your hard limits should be seen as a major red flag and approached with extreme caution. Similarly, any Dominant who says you’re not allowed to have limits is not someone I would trust. Everyone has limits, no matter what people say, and if they don’t, they’re dangerous. Soft limits can be explored, but I would hope a good Dominant doesn’t start there but instead takes the time to get to know you. At most, they should verbally explore these things with you before genuinely trying to introduce them.
Do Dominants Have Limits?
Of course, they do — and they should. However, due to the power dynamics of a D/s relationship, their limits might only be shared with you as they arise — or in a less formal manner — but this is absolutely a conversation that should take place between you and any potential Dominant in your life.
Discussing Your Hard and Soft Limits
First and foremost, you need to be clear about what your bottom lines are. But more importantly, the person you’re planning to enter into a relationship with should be willing to talk about these boundaries and respect your wishes. Throughout your relationship, you should continuously engage in these kinds of conversations as you learn and grow together. Boundaries and limits need to be respected. They are topics that should be continuously revisited and discussed, as they can and will change.