We’ve all heard misconceptions about kinksters, especially since The Unmentionable Book and Movie (UBM) brought BDSM into the mainstream and sparked curiosity about kink in many vanilla people. So, here are five misconceptions about kinksters that will make you furious.
Misconception 1: Kink is only about (straight) boys.
The vanilla world often assumes kinky fun is heterosexual and male-centered. A quick look at any fetish gathering or online forum will reveal that this is completely inaccurate, but since when has the truth gotten in the way of a good rumor?
From UBM to Secret Diary of a Call Girl, women's rich and exciting experiences in BDSM are often reduced to prostitution or coercion. In fact, most of us arrive here through our own passions and desires.
If you're a straight woman, it’s frustrating enough to be portrayed this way in mainstream media, but the thriving lesbian S&M community is almost invisible. Women enjoy taking control and instigating the action just as much as men—don't underestimate us kinky women.
Misconception 2: BDSM is for people who can’t get pleasure from normal sex anymore.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions about kinksters. We can engage in kinky sex; we can engage in vanilla sex, and most importantly, we can choose between the two as we see fit. It’s not an either-or situation, as the fetish community can enjoy sex in a variety of ways.
We’re not limited by taboos, but we also have quieter nights like everyone else. The idea that kinksters need increasingly extreme sexual acts to get excited is misleading. This is not a slippery slope to total deprivation. Some people just want to get spanked, while others enjoy role-playing or handcuffs. Besides, who decides what’s “normal”? Fetishes only become an issue when meeting new partners. Most of us have learned that it’s beneficial to be open and honest about our kinks early on.
Misconception 3: To take your kink to the level of bondage, you need a dungeon and terrifying torture equipment.
Watching porn can distort your view of any sexual act, including BDSM. On that note, women don’t casually give blowjobs to pizza delivery guys, and kinksters live in regular houses, not secret underground lairs filled with medieval furniture. Mastering your fetish can take years to perfect, and that takes practice—plus, you can’t buy skills like Japanese rope bondage, delivering just the right amount of pain, or talking dirty like a slut in a store.
Our private pleasures can certainly be enhanced by props and toys, but creativity, communication, and experience are more desirable. Great BDSM sex can happen anywhere when you know what you’re doing and what excites you—from your car, to your desk, to the half-landing of your stairs.
Misconception 4: Being tied up means obvious and real danger.
One of the most important misconceptions about kinksters and the fetish community is that we are careless with personal safety. A few high-profile headlines about sadomasochistic “sex games gone wrong” have had a lasting impact on public perceptions of S&M, which is a shame.
In reality, BDSM is not inherently abusive, nor does it endanger your health. Scenes are designed within an atmosphere of consent and cooperation, and though power play is involved, it’s what both sides want. Moreover, awareness of risk is part of being a sadomasochist, which is why we negotiate our boundaries, only play with partners or groups we trust, and use safewords when necessary.
Misconception 5: Sadomasochistic sex means causing real pain.
The idea that bondage play relies on hurting others to gain pleasure is one of the most severe misconceptions about kinksters. We kinksters can get pleasure from looking at each other, smelling each other, phone sex, and a host of other very kinky things...none of which involve pain.
The key issue is power; how power is used between a person who gets excited by submission and another who gets excited by dominance. When you hurt someone, they have a physical reaction, and some people find that very pleasurable. But a lot of kinksters enjoy the feeling of being lightly teased or caressed with a whip, rather than being struck with it. Indeed, in a kinky situation, one person often has more control, but this is a sexual playground where both people know what they’re doing and can’t wait to do it again.