Whenever you meet a new friend, it's essential to take some precautions and remain vigilant. It's easy to lean too far in either direction, leading to interactions that range from unsuccessful to dangerous. Striking a balance is tricky because you need to figure out how to stay open enough to get to know someone and give them a chance while ensuring your own safety.
This holds true for general life and online dating, but when you add kinks into the mix, it introduces some unique challenges. First, when you share any subculture with someone, it's easy to develop a sense of camaraderie. Especially when the group you share is one that the mainstream disdains, you may feel a sense of "we're in this together." Unfortunately, no one gets a free pass just because they also have a kink. I, too, fall into the same trap when I'm in a kink space, hoping everyone is "my kind of person." But in reality, the kink, BDSM, and fetish communities are just made up of people—no matter where you go, the same proportion of people are problematic.
Understanding People’s Motivations
It's worth noting that the more risky the activities you want to engage in—whether physically or emotionally—the more you need to scrutinize safety, including the motivations of the other person wanting to participate in their kink.
While a Dom/sub dynamic may seem commonplace to those who have been in the kink space for a while, the truth is that playing with power requires as much training as rope bondage, impact play, or any other BDSM activity. But this isn't always treated as such.
It's easy to start commanding others online. But that isn't D/s; nor is it kink—that's just being a jerk. The problem is that fake Doms (or generally bad actors) can often hide in kink spaces, whether online or at venues or events.
The only difference between kink and abuse is consent and negotiation. But from the outside, it’s usually impossible to know what negotiations are taking place. You only see the behavior. Especially with some visible D/s play, we may forget that these dynamics must be communicated ahead of time, just like any other aspect of a scene or relationship.
What to Watch for with Fake Doms
When you decide who to interact with online, especially if you're going to engage in any D/s dynamics, there are some things to watch out for.
In my view, the biggest red flag is when a fake Dom pulls you into their dynamic without asking. If they start talking to you as if you're their submissive, issuing commands or making demands before any negotiation—walk away. The same goes for those who expect you to address them with any honorifics or titles before these roles have been negotiated. Imagine if someone at a party walked up to a stranger and paddled them—most of us would agree this is assault, and they'd be kicked out. This interaction is non-consensual. So why should we allow someone to involve you in their power play without mutual agreement (online or offline)?
Some fake dominants may also become impatient and try to rush into sexual topics early in the conversation, whether pushing for cybersex or wanting to play on the first date—they won't take the time to get to know you first, which is something to be wary of.
Before engaging in a power dynamic, ask the same screening questions and get references as you would with any other type of play. Find out about someone's experience, what training they've received, and how they plan to keep you safe. Honest Doms are always happy to let you check their references and experience. And make sure these negotiations and conversations are conducted as equals, not influenced by any dynamic.
If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Remember, it's only a power exchange when both parties have power. If a fake Dom treats you like theirs from the first message, there is no exchange—they're just playing games. So trust your instincts.